The Journey Out of Abuse: Part 1
I’ve been wanting to write about this for awhile now and somehow kept convincing my heart that I wasn’t ready. That I still had more to process and more to heal. That my story wasn’t over and maybe I should wait for the completion of this season….
Then I realized there’s a need. And if my past trauma can help you escape yours then read away because this is for you.
“…if my past trauma can help you escape yours then read away because this is for you.”
From my heart to yours
So many of us today are conditioned to not talk about abusive relationships, or marriages. We don’t realize it but we are. Everywhere you look, Facebook, Instagram, church, social circles….people talk of the good stories. Not the bad ones.
How then do we have any idea what to do when our story starts to spiral? Who are you supposed to talk to when your perfect marriage became your worst nightmare? Who do you call when you know your story is falling apart and your heart can’t take it anymore?
The answer most of us have no idea what to do. So we sit in it. We stay in the broken relationships, the abusive marriage and we pray or consult close friends and hope, we hope it gets better.
There’s a place for hope but I’m here to say hope does not supersede action ESPECIALLY when there is abuse.
There’s a place for hope but I’m here to say hope does not supersede action ESPECIALLY when there is abuse.
When red flags come into the equation. When you don’t feel safe anymore. When their behavior changes and you know something is wrong. When you feel trapped. When something deep inside your soul says something is wrong.
Chances are you are right and you need to listen to the whisper inside that says to get out.
I’d like to clarify that I’m not advocating divorce. I’m not forsaking prayer. Or counseling. Or many other options. I am saying that there is a point where the struggle turns to danger and becomes life threatening…. Listen to this shift because your life and the life of your kids may depend on it.
If this is where you are, keep reading. Reach out. My story is for you and you aren’t alone.
If you are recently recovering from an abusive marriage, then know that there is hope, your life isn’t over I promise.
I remember being in my marriage and feeling so lost and alone. I started doing a workbook for Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It helped me realize first and foremost how bad it was, and how hurt my heart was.
It was the beginning of me realizing that it wasn’t the life I was called to. I wasn’t called to be abused. If this is you here’s three steps on where to start….
Step One: Take inventory
Look at your dreams, do they still exist? What were they? Are they being cultivated?
Look at your mental health, do you struggle with anxiety or depression? Suicidal thoughts?
Look at your behavior. Are you angry? Are you short tempered?
Step Two: Be Objective
This step is hard. Find three people who aren’t going to be your “yes people”. Explain his behaviors, don’t hold back. Then find a domestic violence assessment, there are so many online.
Take one.
Domestic violence is not always physical, and mental abuse is equally a risk as it can be life threatening or turn physical without restraint overnight. Remember the goal here is to find out if you can exist in your current situation and move towards a healed, healthy home.
In my particular situation, I was praying and believing that he would change. But through my own journey I learned that we all have the right to choice. He chose not to heal and once you have a partner who refuses to address their abusive behavior (especially if it’s violent), you need to leave.
Step Three: Strategize your way out
This current blog series is for those who have realized that they are in an abusive situation. When I realized there was serious issues with my ex-husband, I had to change my approach. I had to seek solutions and find how to to get out. It wasn’t easy to understand the next step, that’s why I am writing this.
Lastly remember this, the sooner you get out the sooner you reclaim your life.
“The sooner you get out the sooner you reclaim your life.”
It is a process, but you aren’t called to be abused. You must remember your story isn’t over, this is a chapter, it’s a part of who you will one day look back on and say “I am better because I made it out. I am free now. I can breathe again. I’m me again.”
There will be massive pain. But you know what? There’s pain either way. If you stay or leave, you will go through hell regardless. I chose to go through hell that would end in freedom for me and my children.
You can do this. You can walk away. You can rebuild. You can recover. You aren’t alone.
If you doubt the possibility of your story to have a happy ending then I encourage you to watch mine. Because as someone who has been where you are, it can happen. If you are unsure how, stay tuned, read each post and let’s get you out. You’re worth it.